What sort of environment does the Real Programmer function best in? This
is an important question for the managers of Real Programmers. Considering
the amount of money it costs to keep one on the staff, it's best to put him
(or her) in an environment where he can get his work done.
The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer terminal.
Surrounding this terminal are:
- Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on,
piled in roughly chronological order on every flat surface in the office.
- Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee.
Occasionally, there will be cigarette butts floating in the coffee. In
some cases, the cups will contain Orange Crush.
- Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OS JCL manual and
the Principles of Operation open to some particularly interesting pages.
- Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calender for the year
1969.
- Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter filled
cheese bars --- the type that are made pre-stale at the bakery so they
can't get any worse while waiting in the vending machine.
- Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of
double-stuff Oreos for special occasions.
- Underneath the Oreos is a flow-charting template, left there by the
previous occupant of the office. (Real Programmers write programs, not
documentation. Leave that to the maintainence people.)
The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even 50 hours at a
stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, he prefers it that way. Bad
response time doesn't bother the Real Programmer --- it gives him a chance
to catch a little sleep between compiles. If there is not enough schedule
pressure on the Real Programmer, he tends to make things more challenging
by working on some small but interesting part of the problem for the first
nine weeks, then finishing the rest in the last week, in two or three
50-hour marathons. This not only inpresses the hell out of his manager,
who was despairing of ever getting the project done on time, but creates a
convenient excuse for not doing the documentation. In general:
- No Real Programmer works 9 to 5. (Unless it's the ones at night.)
- Real Programmers don't wear neckties.
- Real Programmers don't wear high heeled shoes.
- Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch.
- A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife's name. He does,
however, know the entire ASCII (or EBCDIC) code table.
- Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores aren't open
at three in the morning. Real Programmers survive on Twinkies and coffee.
Thomas Erlebach
Mon Mar 27 09:37:41 MESZ 1995